You Don't Mean Anything, You Mean Everything
by GryffindorGoddess28
Summary: Lily is convinced James never cared, that she was just another fling. James tries to figure out exactly what went wrong.


OK, I am in the middle of an Ron/Herm fic but I am having total writer's block but keep coming up with Lily/James ideas... this is a one-shot   
  
Lily and James were dating in 7th year, but suddenly, he dumps her. She's convinced he never cared, that she was just another fling. He doesn't know what came over him... but eventually he figures it out figure it out and he tries set fix it. Can he, or will she have to do it for him? not exactly w/ OoTP.   
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing you recognize. Any HP stuff= JK Rowling, Song=Simple Plan....you know the drill. Oh, and I got the whole Lily-knows-famous-witches-in-show-business thing from another story [i dont remember which one...it was a while ago....sorry] but i put my own twist on it  
  
a/n: ok, please please review so i know i m not wasting my time. I won't be adding any more chapters to this, but i will answer all your reviews in the herm/ron story "Confiding and Confessing" and that goes for all of my one-shots! :)  
  
a/n: don't worry, i'm not obsessed with Squishy [the Giant Squid, that's his name] I just have a need to have him at least mentioned in all of my fanfics [we'll, out of 2/3 but the 3rd isn't done yet so....]  
  
  
  
You Don't Mean Anything... You Mean Everything.  
  
Lily, I'm sorry, but we're through. I never meant to hurt you.... James  
  
And with that short note, Lily realised the lie she had been living the past month. She had finally given in. She could remember the exact moment that she knew she had fallen for James. She hadn't been scared or angry... she had been out of her mind. It was the beginning of Spring Break. She was sitting by her favorite tree, overlooking the lake. She was working on a song and had no clue how long she had been out there. But it was obviously long enough because the after dinner crowd was starting to roam around the lake. James had found her, and sat down next to her, babbling already about something or other. Too tired for a fight, she just ignored him, or at least tried to. But, if you knew James, you knew he wasn't one to be ignored. Oddly enough, the moment he sat down, Lily didn't want to ignore him. While, on the outside nothing had changed, on the inside she was freaking out. Suddenly, she became aware of how close he was. And, as she began to calm down, it hit her. Sometime between the last time he had talked to her and that very moment, something had changed. She had fallen for him, and fallen hard. Now, Lily wasn't the kind of girl to sit back and wait for the guy to grow a spine. Plus, she was impacient and he was taking too long to get to the point. So, she turned to face him and kissed him. Right there, under her favorite tree. He was caught off guard, but quickly adjusted. And that was the beginning to their lovely romance. And now, it was over and Lily had to figure out how to come to terms with this sudden change.  
  
When she had recieved the note, Lily had been in her dorm, trying to start a new song. It had been hard for her lately to write much of anything. Not because of lack of time, just lack of inspiration. Usually, she wrote about being herself, not giving a damn about popularity or how horrible they all were to her, or whatever else she was dealing with. But, since she had starting dating James, she hadn't been shunned or ridiculed or anything of the sort. Everyone knew not to mess with James' girl. The popular girls [AKA the Marauder's groupies] had immediately taken her under their wing, trying to get her to lighten up and, as she saw it, become one of them. But, she had stood her ground hadn't changed...much. OK, so maybe she wore less black, lighter makeup, but so what? She just didn't feel like wearing so much makeup, right? And so what if she had come to think of those girls as friends? It didn't mean she was one of them. She was still herself, right? But, now that it was over, Lily knew what she had done. She had commited the unthinkable crime. She had conformed, lost a part herself. That's why she couldn't write. It wasn't James, he didn't want her to change...it was his status, his people. BUt now that she thought about it, it must of been his thoughts, too. He didn't want her anymore. She was just another fling... she had been warned but ignored anything anyone said about his rep... she thought she had found the one. Bit, it turned out, she was just another floozy to prove he was the best. A challenge he lost interest in. At the very thought, Lily's eyes burned with tears. She couldn't take it anymore, she had to get out of there. She grabbed the notebook she wrote all her songs in and headed for the Common Room, planing to run straight through without anyone taking notice. No such luck.  
  
As soon as she got down from the girl's staircase, she was bombarded by the groupies. The leader, Anna [who obviously had a thing for James], stood in front of her with fake sympathy on her face. "Heard about what happened, you poor thing. Well, some girls just can't keep ahold of their men. Luckily, I don't seem to have that problem. James is gunna be mine for a LONG time." At that moment, each and every one of them laughed rather evilly and got a look of disgust on their faces, as if they didn't even want to look at her, she was so beneath them. And happened to make them all look rather ugly. Lily couldn't help but wonder how many times they had rehearsed this, just to hurt her. Lily just took a deep breath and walked past all of them, calmly taking no noticce of the evil snickers she heard behind her. She walked out of there as fast as she could without running, making sure they didn't know how much it hurt. These girls had swore to her friendship, and look at that, the moment she's unprotected by James, they attack. She didn't know whether James and Anna were, in fact, together, but wouldn't put it past him, the pig. She forced herself to regain the mask she hadn't used in so long. It protected her, stopped otherd from seeing emotions. Before, she could have masked her emotions in a second, but now she was just barely holding back tears. She quickly made her way to her tree and sat down. It was early May and quite chilly, raining, which was perfect. Glad to have her umbrella, she opened her notebook to look at the last song she had written, It wasn't done, not even half the verses completed. It had been the song she was working on that fateful day, and now she had the anger and emotion to finish it.  
  
Lily was the type of person that could just sit in one spot for hours, writing or just thinking. Usually writing. It was her passion, but not many people knew. No one before had bothered to get to know her. Truthfully, they were all a little scared of her, what with her dark makeup and clothes. Total "goth". She was different, unique, a loner. She didn't follow the crowd, didn't attempt popularity. In fact, she usually went out of her way to avoid it. That's one reason the whole James-obessing-over-her thing bugged her so much. It attracted attention. HE attracted attention, and far too much for Lily's tastes. She was one of those people you'd see walking around but never having the guts to approach. But, if anyone did, they'd see how kind she really was. If you looked past all that black makeup and tough exterior, she had a heart of gold. James saw it and knew that was the real her. But that's also what made her such a great writer. Songwriter, to be more precise. She loved to just sit and work a song to perfection, no matter how long it took. But, she had more than one secret. She didn't share much, and it took James a good...two years to get her to fall for him and trust him. Two years down the drain, because she was never going to speak to him again. But, she didn't need that kind of thought now. She would start to cry and she couldn't have that, not here. Instead, she thought of some of her real friends, those who always made her smile. They were coming to Hogwarts soon, to play at the random ball Dumbledore had scheduled for January. Lily thought it was more of an end-of-the year ball, but kept these thoughts to herself since now she had no one to share with. She had met the band "Witch" [a/n: i couldn't think of a name, so sue me. Kinda like the band the "Who" except, The "Which", spelt Witch cuz magic...horrible, i know] two summers ago, and now was in close contact with all three of them. While she never performed with Ava, Eve, and Ivy, she did go to many of their summer concerts and helped write quite a few songs. They would send them to her, she would edit them and send it back with a few of her own. Lily was always thrilled when they played one of her songs, but always refused to play with them. And no one knew that she knew them, which is how she preferred it, otherwise she'd be stuck with the groupies all over agin, trying to suck up for free stuff. Sighing, she got to work, trying to finsh the song to get her mind off of, well, everything.  
  
*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* A FEW WEEKS LATER~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Lily had done her best to get over James. As of now, she just worked on completely ignoring his existance. Well, it was better than nothing and wasn't really that hard to do, either. Especially since none of the Marauderers felt like even making eye contact with her, which suited her just fine. Her song was finished and Lily was back. James' Lily was finally gone and she felt sooooo good to be back to her old self. She could deal with any taunts with ease, almost as if living in their world and making it out alive had made her stronger. She was at breakfast Friday and quite surprised when a letter dropped in front of her. It was from Ivy, Ava, and Eve. She read it, but the content surprised her so much she forced herself to read it a second, third, fourth and even fifth time. Each time she read it, her dread grew.   
  
LiLiKinS! [she hated that nickname]  
  
How are you? Well, we LOVED the song... we're going to play it at the dance next week. [they were too nice, something was up...] We have the slightest favor to ask...well.. not so much a favor as a request...a very strong request.... We think you should perform with us, just this ONCE! This is your last year, and you only have 3 weeks left, barely. It wouldn't hurt and we need you. None of us can sing this song, it's yours [that's never mattered before!] and we don't have the ... talent [Lily knew THAT was a lie but still...she was getting convinced] PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do us this little favor...don't make us blackmail you, cause we can, you know that. Just one song, one night. Write back.  
  
~Amazing Ava, EverEnthusiastic Eve, and Incredible Ivy~  
  
Lily didn't know why, or what she was thinking, but she wrote back to them, saying she would... If anyone had asked her what she was thinking, she would have no idea what to say, but i would most probably be that she wasn't. There was a Hogmeade trip that Saturday, to prepare for the dance, and Lily knew she'd have to go [gulp] shopping. With all those other girls there, she knew it would be tortue. She managed to sleep walk through all her classes and prepared to wake up early the nextmorning to be one of the first in, and out, of Hogmeade. She woke up at 7 and got dressed. Students were allowed to leave as early as 8 and as late as 5pm, but had to be back by 6. Lily planned to be out of there before most people even woke up. by 8 she was already on her way to a dress shop. She was supposed to find a formal dress, but since she was "with the band" she was kindly excused from dress code. After searching for about a halfhour, she found it. The perfect outfit. It was solid back, with a tanktop and a skirt that was ripped up and had a few layers, giving it a bit of a beat-up prom dress [skirt] look. The top and skirt met perfectly at her waist, looking almost like a dress. It included full length glove kind of things, just ending at the wrist, also black. She loved it, and with a pair of black heels, she knew this was it. Add some silver jewelry, and she was done. He hair could be worn down and wild, curly and the shocking red it was naturally. She was going to blow them away, she just didn't realize it yet. She got out of there and back to the castle by 9 and spent the day in her dorm, writing a few songs but unable to focus.   
  
The next week was a blur. She was excited, anxious, panicked, and thrilled all at the same time, constantly. She did her work and was the person she always was, reserved and cynical, ignoring ridcules form everyone. Now, though, it was easier. She had a goal, something to look forward to. And before she knew it, it was Saturday and she was given a dressing room backstage. She had everything set up, and was doing a soundcheck with the girls. One hour to go, and they started getting ready. The dance was going to start at 6 and they would perform at 7, after dinner. Lily and the other 3 ate seperate, in a dressing room. Lily didn't want anyone to know about her singnig until the last possible moment, and that was that. Dinner had started and was soon over. Lily was ready but terrified out of her mind. She glanced at the clock on the wall, she had ten minutes... no going back now...  
  
[I just realized this is all Lily, no James, and EXTREMELY LONG, so i'll hafta hurry to the point, huh?]  
  
*~*~*~*~*James*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The moment he sent the note, James knew he'd regret it. But, he did it anyway. He felt trapped, and needed out, so he dumped her in the worst way possible. She'd hate him now, there was no way around it. He had the girl of his dreams for a month... how could he have been so stupid? He was at the dance, and all he could think of was how he was an idiot and crazy for letting her go...making her go. When he told his friends, they were dumbstruck, They didn't know why he did it, but they knew it was wrong.... The three tried to convince him to talk to her. They had grown to like Lily and enjoyed her company. Now, they were too ashamed at the way their friend handled the situation to even look at her. But she seemed to be avoiding them anyway, especially since Anna had started badmouthing her every chance. They knew she was jealous, but still! James loved Lily [though he didn't know it yet] and what made her think insulting Lily was the way to get him? James just ignored her, and everyone for that matter. He hadn't been himself since "it" happened, since he dumped her. He needed her, they knew that, but he screwed it up. James didn't know why he felt so...meaningless...he just did. He didn't even know why he bothered to come to the ball at all, he didn't have a date... But he had anyway. James didn't know why he had felt trapped, but trapped was better than depression. He wasn't eating much and his grades had started to drop. He didn't know what to do... Sighing, he watched the food disappear and the tables move out of the way so that there was a dance floor. Dumbledor had live music planned, supposedly "The Witch" but those were just rumors. The lights dimmed and four figures wlaked out onto the stage. Wait, four? There was only three in the Witch..so it couldn't be them ...but he saw Ivy, Ava, Eve, all there, and...[gulp] who was that third girl? It was....[gasp]  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*Lily*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Lily walked onto the stage, following her friends. She stopped in front of the microphone [magical microphone] and listened as an announcer said, quite loud "And now welcome, "The Witch" with special guest singer, our very own Lily Evans for the opening song" She gulped, the butterflies in her stomach morphing into dinosaurs crushing all her organs. Two months ago, Lily wouldn't have been recognised by half of the people out there by anything except "that girl who hates James", but now she was "that girl who hated James, dated him, then got dumped by him" and thanks to Anna, everyone in the school knew of her...Lovely. She took a deep breath to calm herself and forgot about James, Anna, and everyone out there. Her song was about the whole preppie-popular group, in general, not just James or his Anna. While she liked Remus well enough and Sirius was always real and didn't fake anything, everyone else in that group was an act. Even James. The James she dated wasn't the real one... but she pushed these thoughts out of her mind. The into had begun and she was expected to sing. She lost herself in the words, forgetting everyone except the ones she wrote this song against.  
  
Maybe I'm just not good enough for you  
  
And maybe I just don't wanna be like you  
  
And maybe I just don't wanna know  
  
how low you're ready to go  
  
I'm not gonna change  
  
You can't make me  
  
You don't mean anything to me  
  
You don't mean anything to me  
  
You're what I never want to be  
  
Tell me does it feel good to be like you  
  
Tell me why should I waste my time with you  
  
'Cuz maybe you always bring me down  
  
I'm sick of being pushed around  
  
I'm not gonna change  
  
You can't make me  
  
You don't mean anything to me  
  
You don't mean anything to me  
  
You're what I never want to be  
  
I know you think you know me  
  
You don't know anything  
  
I know you want to help me  
  
I don't need anything  
  
Don't tell me where to go  
  
I don't need you to know  
  
You don't mean anything to me  
  
You don't mean anything to me  
  
You're what I never want to be  
  
You don't mean anything to me  
  
And that was it. She was done and she walked off the stage, calmly, while the band waited for the outburst of clapping to subside. She was thrilled and exhilerated and needed to get out of there. She changed her skirt to some jeans and grabbed her cloak. She went straight to her tree and sat, crying silently because of how much she still loved him. She was remembering everything they had that month together, and she was in another world. She was so far away she didn't even hear him come up behind her until he sighed.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*James~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
As he watched her sing, he knew why he felt trapped before and why he felt depressed now. He loved her. Everything about her, from her cynical humor to the kind heart she hid so well. He knew her better than anyone, but he loved that he barely knew her at all. She was a mystery and a challenge and would keep him guessing forever... he was so wrapped up in her amazingness that for a moment, he forgot what he had done. But then that moment ebded and he listened to her song... It was about him and his friends and the girls that swarmed them, he knew it. She hated him and would never speak to him again. He felt the depression return... after she finsihed and left, whatever hope he had blew out like a candle. He would never get her back... he needed to get out of there NOW. So, he left. Everyone was gossiping about her and this new talent that no one even noticed that he slipped out. He walked to the tree where she had kissed him for the first time...it hurt to even think of her. Now, he had everything straightened out in his head, it was just the matter of getting her to give him a chance. It had taken nearly 3 years for the first one, how on earth was he going to manage a second? He didn't even notice her leaning on the tree they had spent so much time together. He was lost in the memories of the perfect month they had.... He sighed.  
  
::::::::::::::::::::::ToGeThEr::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
After Lily heard a sigh, she turned and gasped at who she saw. The gasp knocked James out of his memories and drew his attention to the huddled figure only a few feet away from him. They stared at eachother for a minute before she realized that she was still crying. She quickly turned around to face the lake, wiping away the tears and willing them to stop. But they wouldn't. It took him a minture to realize why her face was wet, but then it clicked. She had been crying. He rushed to her side and put an arm around her, trying to comfort her. About to lean into his hold, Lily remembered herself and him, stopping herself just in time. She quickly stood up and out of his reach, stopping the last of her tears. She couldn't face him if she was crying. Shocked, he looked up at her and stood. The awkwardly stood there, staring at eachother, for who knows how long. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore. Lily turned around and started to walk towards the castle. James found his voice "Wait! Lily!" She stopped and sighed, turning around. When he got close enough, he realized she was fighting back tears. "What James? What is it? You were perfectly fine not talking to me for weeks, now all of a sudden you want to be all buddybuddy? Do you think I'm that stupid? [she was getting anger now] Well, I can't get you and your little girlfriend tickets or anyhing with the band so don't even bother asking, ok?" She scoffed, her cynical nature returning fullforce. She could barely stand to be so close o him and not be with him. It was killing her but she wasn't going to let him see that. James was confused. What was she talking about "What? Tickets?Girlfriend? What are you talking about?" He asked gently. Frustrated, she started walking towards her tree again, with him close behind. She sat down, facing the lake like before. He sat down next to her, much to her dismay   
  
"Now that you know I'm friends with them, it's only understandable that you're expecting favors and if that means becoming my friend, then I'm sure your Anna will understand..." She said calmly, not even looking at him but at the lake. She was doing her best to remain emotionless, but was losing this battle. She couldn't even bring herself to look at him. He was still confused, but now his heart was breaking all over again. Looking down at the grass, he asked quietly "Is that...that what you think I'm like? The kind of person I am?" She sighed, and said quietly "I didn't use to....but now? Now I'm inclined to think the worst. Excuse me if that's how you come across..." She was getting angry, she didn't want to sit here discussing calmly with him. She wanted him to either yell and scream and give her a reason to hate him or just leave her alone. Otherwise, it was too confusing. Her words hurt him, and he was speechless trying to gather his thoughts. "Why?" she questioned quietly, her voice quivering slightly, "Why are doing this to me? Why can't you just leave and stop coming back. It isn't fair!" Her voice got louder as she voiced that last thought, as did the quiver. She turned away from him completely, so he couldn't see her tears, the tears she couldn't stop. He was surprised at her outburst, and at her tears.   
  
James scooted closer to her and held her close to him. She didn't bother pulling away, she didn't want to and even if she did, she couldn't have. By now, her tears were flowing freely and she couldn't stop them. She burrowed her head in his chest while he whispered calming words into her ear. She was calming down and pulled away, looking him in the eye. "Why'd you do it?" she whispered the question that had been hanging over her since she got that horrible note. He brushed the hair out of her face "I ... I was scared.." he said, barely audible. She moved closer and bit her lip. "Why?" she asked, just as quiet. He looked at the ground and stayed silent. "Why?" she said, more urgently, tears already leaking out again. She had a right to know.... didn't she? He looked up at her and sighed "Because I had never loved anyone like I love you...." She laughed out of relief and put her hand to her mouth in shock. He was heartbroken... convinced she didn't feel the same way. "And apparently, I don't mean anything to you.." he said, sadly and heart broken. She looked into his eyes and did something that surprised them both. She kissed him. A long, passionate kiss. She didn't know why she did, but she supposed it was because she was tired of waiting for him to get the point or to grow a backbone and kiss her. She waited practically two months for him to say how he felt....actually, make that two years. At that moment, she knew she'd loved him long before their first kiss...it just took her a while to get out of denial. Lily broke the kiss and leaned her forehead against his. "James Potter" she whispered quietly "I've loved you since the first time we kissed under this tree...actually, even before that. " She kissed him again. "What took you so long?" she asked him quietly. To answer her, he kissed her and pulled her towards him, relief that she felt the same way flooding through his body. "I don't know...I guess not everyone is as brave as you are, sweet." She smiled, albeit a wet smile, and threw her arms around him, hugging him so tightly that it hurt to breathe. Then, she whispered in his ear "You don't mean anything to me, you mean EVERYTHING to me. And, if you ever leave me again, I'll-" but she was cut off by another kiss from James. As he broke away, he whispered to his love "Nothing could ever make me leave you." And, with that, the couple sat under their tree for who knows how long, entwined in each other's arms, watching the lake and the Giant Squid swim around, seemingly celebrating...  
  
thank you for reading!!!! PLEASE review and tell me what you think! I accept all types of criticism!!!!!! please please please! i promise to answer every single review in my on going story [mentioned above] and give u a [invisible] cookie :) and i know its weird I keep mentioning the ron/herm fanfic, but i have a bit of writer's block going on and NO ONE IS REVIEWING! please please review this story and tell me if i should just stop writing :) 


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